iffageek falls

Putting   on my coat; packing up things forgotten when I found

myself   a new home, I wonder how things have changed since I

first   moved in.  Was this place really so great, or

is   it that the sparkle of new belonging has faded and it is

harder   to appreciate the strange foyer and “charming façade” 

than   it once was?  Did I make it seem so wonderfully unique so

I   could rationalize my decision to settle here?  At the time, I

thought   that I could live here for the rest of my life.  How is

it   that the same place, so open and inviting at the time,

would   now seem only dark and confining?  How can it

be,   that my seeming place of safety has become a trap

after   only a few years?  Am I doomed

all   my life to wander, staying only long enough for

those   first sparkles to fade into discontent, forgetting after

years   or even months how excited I was that I had found a place

of   solace, a secret fortress from whence my heroic attempts at

chasing   what I really wanted to.  Therein is the key: focus on

what   I want, not on the trappings of normalcy the faceless

others   have decreed that I shall have.  I guess I always

thought   too much about how everyone else saw me, and

I   never gave the important things the time or energy I

should   have.  Perhaps that is why I feel this gaping, tearing

want.





Still,   it is hard not to wonder if

I   am chasing ephemera, if I

just   have to accept that the things I think I

need   will remain always out of reach, and it is better

to   appreciate what life has given me; to

take   refuge in “good enough” and stop waiting for

the   fairytale ending.  Why can’t I accept that I can’t ever be

first   in anything?  Yet my stuff is packed, and waiting on the

step.   Hat in one hand, magic beans in the other, I close the door.