iffageek falls

without further ado... (well, without any ado, really)

The top 10 things you want to say that may signal that it's time to get out of retail (with apologies to the great DL & co.)...

(items in italics are the opening customer question/comment if i thought it made more sense, but *all* of these are in response to questions/queries, etc, that we get on a frighteningly regular basis.)

10) (over telephone) what time do you open? what time do you close? what is your address?
Well, we ...[answer question]. That's an awfully good question. In fact, so many people want that information, that we should really put that information on that three minute recording you just listened to, instead of the boring stuff about our hours of operation and location...

9) (over telephone) Oh, this is the [location] store?
No, we just like to say "thank you for calling [retail chain] at [location]" on the recording and when we answer the phone because we think it's more fun...now will this be for takeout or delivery?

8) Isn't this in paperback?
Yes, but we like to push the large stacks of hardcovers because we're paid on commission...

7) Sir, at some point you have to decide -- are you a dummy, or do you want to learn quantum mechanics?*

6) Even though it's labeled "Alphabetical by author" right at eye level, this section is actually organized by the third word of the author's bio, since we thought that would be easier...**

5) Do you work here?
Yes, but unfortunately, i don't actually know where anything is, they just pay me to walk the books once a day.***

4) Where's your non-fiction section?
See this part labeled 'fiction'? see the other 3/4 of the store?...****

3) Where's the 'self-help' section?
It's right over here, labeled 'irony'.

2) I'm looking for a book...
Oh good. Here's one! Thanks for coming in!

and, the number one comment running madly through your head that signals that it may be time to get out of retail?

I saw this book on TV (heard it on the radio, just plain looking for this book, etc.), but I don't remember the author or title. Can you look it up for me?
Sure! Would you like me to use my computer or my ouija board?


*Really, i've had people asking me for anything from astrophysics to microeconomics for dummies. when i tell them that no such books exist, they will often say, "oh, well the 'idiot's guide' would be ok, too, i guess."

**this becomes even funnier for those book geeks out there who realize that the third word of an author bio is almost always 'is,' 'lives,' or 'writes' -- the few exceptions are those authors with a title (Dr., or Reverend, etc), and steven brust, who writes some of the funniest, least conventional author bios ever. go ahead, check -- we'll wait.

***granted, sometimes this is actually a good question to ask, since I can't count the number of times i've been asked "where's the [merchandise]?" in any number of different retail stores in the last few years -- apparently, i now put off 'retail pheromones' or something (even wearing grubby sweats and running a fever of 102 -- seriously). the problem is just that the timing usually leaves something to be desired. Case in point: I had a pen behind my ear, a scanner in my hand, a clipboard in my other hand, and a large stack of books balanced between them getting caught on my nametag, and somebody asked me that question. I was gratified when his friend immediately went into convulsions trying to snort and drink coffee at the same time.

****why is is that people asking for the 'nonfiction' section are almost always looking for true crime or self improvement? strange, but true.

m

ps -- koan for the day -- what is the sound of one brain popping?