iffageek falls

The other night, my friend, as you walked from my door,

Did you wonder why I didn’t bid you good night?

Did you hear me say “goodbye” to you instead?

Did you pause to wonder why the words sounded

So final?

           As they fell, hopeless, to shatter on the

Cold sidewalk, did you wonder at their appearance, so

Puzzling in the knowledge that we had already made plans for

Tomorrow?

          If you did stop, when you turned back toward

Your car, did you hear the terrible sound that I heard?

                                                        And did you

Know, as I knew, what part of me made that anguished cry

As I stomped it into oblivion?

                               And did you turn again to check if

I was still fine?

                  Were you reassured then by my broad grin,

Or did you walk away from me so quickly because you didn’t

Want to see my blind smile glistening damp in the porch light?

I still don’t know why I did it.

                                 Did you wonder, as you

Fall asleep cradled in his arms, what I really wanted to say?

Would you have had an answer different than the one I

Convinced myself I would hear?

                                I thought I was being

Noble, and brave, and sensible.

                                 Now, I think I maybe it was

Foolish to let go without ever saying anything to you, to

Assume that I knew what giving in to selfishness would bring.

But that is who I am.

                       And the other night, part of me

Chose to die so that we might continue to be together, at least

One of us pretending that things are as they always were.

I have chosen.

                I may never know the truth.

                                            So be it.